I thought it was high time I shared something personal and meaningful
(for me and perhaps you)
I’ll be talking about back injury, the highs, lows, and where I’m at now.
It's not a call for sympathy.
I’m quite a private person really but this has been a very significant part of my life and I think sharing it is only a positive thing.
*I am talking about injury. This is purely from my personal experience. In no way am I suggesting that this will be the case for anyone with a similar injury to mine.
Everyone is different and the first step you should always take is to see a professional.*
Let’s start with what happened…
I don’t know.
Still don’t know what the cause was - probably never will.
It could have been multiple things.
Here we go...
I spent much of 2019-2020 in intense, debilitating back pain.
Lets set the scene...
Now it’s no secret - I LOVE my job.
The only time I’ve ever NOT wanted to work was about halfway through 2019.
I was in constant pain.
I couldn’t sit, stand or lie comfortably.
I’d come home from being on the gym floor all day and lie in the middle of my living room floor, in agony. Being horizontal and as still as possible was one of the best ways to alleviate the pain and discomfort. It was deep, persistent, beyond muscles - low back pain and nothing I did really made it go away completely. I'd tried every over the counter remedy. I continued working, I continued training for a while.
Let me tell you...
It is SO EASY to ignore a 'niggle.'
So easy to take some painkillers, sleep it off and start again the next day.
So easy to ignore the fact that you can’t stand without moving or swaying side to side slightly because that was more comfortable than standing still.
So easy to ignore your body literally telling you - SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT.
I did it for the best part of a year.
I thought I was unstoppable.
I had this idea that I could continue to teach 8+ classes a week, 30 + clients, gym floor shifts, and do so with my usual enthusiasm and can-do attitude. It was silly. It was stubborn. It came from a place of fear.
My turning point wasn’t exactly an epiphany.
It happened gradually and then very simply one evening where for the first time - I had to cancel a client because I couldn’t stand the thought of having to move my body for an hour. You’ll notice as well if you’ve ever watched PTs on the gym floor (not in a weird way)- it’s lots of standing, leaning, sitting, demonstrating, moving weights for clients etc. It’s not hard graft but it’s a lot of continuous movement.
Right then, messaging my client to apologise - I cried - and decided I NEEDED to do something.
For the past few months I’d barely been training myself.
Stopped ‘doing’ the classes I was teaching, and generally stuck to treadmill walks. However...that was clearly FINE. No red flags there.
(I’m eye rolling at my past self - can you sense it?)
You might think - why did it take getting to that point to decide to do something….
This is because my job for a while was the absolute centre of my universe - so if it affected my job, things had gone too far. (Now - the centre of my universe is me, my job is still very important to me and always will be - but that’s for a whole other post)
It was also around this time that I started to get much more frequent bouts of numbness and tingling in my legs. I know from my very basic knowledge of A+P that that was a HUGE RED FLAG.
The worst thing is.
I didn’t tell anyone.
For the longest time.
Why?
I thought that it would make me look bad. ‘Who wants an injured PT?’
‘Will people think I’ve injured myself training and think that I don’t know what I’m doing.’ ‘I don’t want to let people down.’ ‘It’s just back ache - will people think I’m making excuses.’
‘I don’t want people to think I’m not strong.’
‘I don’t want to let people down.’ ‘I don’t want to have to stop training’
‘I don’t want to let people down.’
Etc.
This was ALL internal. I had manifested this idea that I was somehow less of a PT because I was injured. It was an endless monologue and it was tiring.
The fact is I have the loveliest group of clients a woman could ask for.
All of them would have understood if I’d have told them sooner.
In fact when I did tell them the trouble I was having - they were incredibly considerate and kind and didn’t judge me in the slightest. Which I knew they wouldn’t.
However the irrational fear -filled part of my brain won out and that's why I had kept it quiet for months.
Lets break it down...
I’ll keep this timeline brief. I adore the NHS and I am grateful every day for the work they do.
I FINALLY went to a GP. Who then sent me for an Thoracic MRI a few months later.
Which came back normal thankfully.
I was given huge painkillers and told to rest. (Very difficult to do as a SE PT and Coach - that was my excuse)
I went back to a different GP. Who sent me for a Lumbar MRI a few months later.
Which didn’t come back normal. I then had a different GP tell me - I had in 3 bulging discs. I was told to rest - consider a new job, stop training, only walk and do yoga or Pilates and manage it with painkillers.
(I look back and see this advice as a real ‘play it safe’ and she was doing her job.)
Here we go...
I left the GPs office. Got into my car and sobbed. Real, full body tears. Cried like I hadn’t in a long long time. I finally knew what was causing me pain but somehow felt more scared, more helpless than before.
I was crying out months of frustration, pain, fear and sadness.
I remember now pulling myself together and sending my partner a video (he was working away at the time) to explain what the doctor had said. I was saying it all out loud and I couldn’t get through it without crying, and feeling consumed by a deep deep grief.
Greif for myself. My job. My love of training. My poor body.
He of course was incredible. Like he always is. He reassured me, let me feel my feelings, comforted me, and immediately got to work researching physios etc. I do not know what I'd do without you Joe.
I went to my mums that afternoon, sat next to her and just cried, I told her what the doctor had said.
My mother - ever the absolute rock in my life - told me that in no way did this define me, in no way will it be the end of my career, and in no way will I not come back from all of this stronger (and she was right).
After the bleak diagnosis, I gave myself some time to process.
Then began looking for solutions.
For acceptance, for what I could do next.
For how I could heal.
I knew that I wanted to be able to carry on training.
I knew that this shouldn’t mean I can’t do my job.
I made a decision to do whatever I had to do to not live in pain, rely on painkillers, or make myself worse.
Bulging discs are very common. Back problems are very common.
I knew I could do SOMETHING about it and that became my mantra.
It wasn't a helpless situation and I had so many things I could control and focus on.
So towards the end of 2019- early 2020 I was rehabbing. I looked at weaknesses and instability in my body and decided that I needed a different approach.
- I went to a physiotherapist - told him what I wanted to achieve. Told him I would be realistic and flat out told him I’d do what I needed to.
- I researched, looked to professionals in the field of back pain, rehab, disc injuries, instability, and absorbed as much information as I could. (I like to know things)
A combination of exercises from the physio, some of my own research, a routine was put together and it became (and still is) my daily non negotiable.
What I had to battle with most was of course - my brain.
Big and beautiful as my brain may be - it had been used to ignoring my body for so long.
Then 2020 - lockdown 1 happened and in the strangest turn of events - it was just the rest I needed. (I almost feel bad saying that I've had positives to come out of lockdown - but again that's for another post).
It was time to really embed the routine I had. I had no excuse to not do what I needed to do to help my back. I was able to sleep properly, eat well, treat my body with kindness and work WITH it and not against it.
Ironically this is something I tell my clients all the time. It took me so long to take that advice myself. Funny how that happens.
This was the biggest shift in mindset I'd had.
FUN FACT: I have also named my bulges. (Flora, Fauna and Merryweather - of Sleeping Beauty fame).
Here we are...
Now over a year on from diagnosis, break downs, rehabs, doctors, rest, discomfort, family, friends, stability, love and kindness - my back has never felt better.
Is it healed? - No - probably never fully will be - and I accept that.
Do I still get pain - Yes. Certain prolonged positions and movements can trigger pain and discomfort but the good thing is I know what to look out for and what not to do. That comes from listening to what my wonderful body has to say.
My training routine has change drastically.
Over the last year I have taken it right back to basics.
Worked with movements I know I can do pain-free. Taken all my weights back down.
It has taken a long time but I'm in a place where I can do what I love again and it doesn't cause me pain.
Which at one point, I thought I'd never be able to do again.
I've made progress in other areas that maybe I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for this debacle. For example - I focussed all the energy that I would have used in squatting (which is a big no-no for me) and instead built up a pretty impressive bench press. (Which I now love). Deadlifts are back on the menu. I can lunge without pain. My core has never been stronger. I feel so differently about my body.
I feel empowered, I don't feel limited. I can train and I am grateful for it.
So that was my experience.
Nearly 2 years of pain, learning, and kindness in one blog post.
It has been a HUGE learning curve for me mentally and physically and is further proof that having the right people around you makes ALL the difference. My support team are my world and I owe them for all the times they have been there to remind me that I am, in fact a strong, capable person.
If this has resonated with you in any way, whether you’ve had injuries or not, please know that bodies and brains are brilliantly resilient things.
They are powerful and gentle and amazing and they deserve as much respect as they can be given.
When it comes to your body, always, always choose love.
Thank you for reading.
Melissa Grace. PT. Online Coach. Proud owner of 3 disc bulges.
x
Comments