If you’ve ever felt like things would never change. Believe me, they do.
Today’s post is not like the others. This post isn’t full of advice.
This post is deeply personal and has been a cathartic experience for me.
I hope it helps.
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What I am writing about today, isn’t something I talk about often, if at all.
I am writing about my journey into fitness.
I will be addressing the battles I had with my body, in the hope that it helps someone realise that things can and will get better.
WHY NOW? I have been inspired by my brilliant clients, their individual journeys, how much progress they have made and seeing them thrive.
I have been inspired by my fierce and utterly phenomenal friends.
I have been inspired by every young girl who has ever looked in a mirror and didn’t like what she saw.
It has occurred to me as a fitness professional that all too often we focus on moving forward, the next goal, the next achievement, without regularly looking back to see how far we've come. (Which is really important.)
WHERE TO BEGIN?!
Here’s a timeline: (nothing’s changed here - I’m still writing some lists in this post)
Ages 3-11 Melissa Grace - ballet and tap classes, playing outside, full of beans, loves dancing around to the Spice Girls and B*Witched. Runs about, plays games with her brothers, doesn't give a second thought about what she looks like.
Ages 11-13 Melissa Grace - starts noticing she’s the tallest girl in her class. Suddenly starts caring about what she looks like. Dreaded PE and navy shorts.
Ages 13-16 Melissa Grace - body is CHANGING. Still the tallest in the class only this time…..heavier. Much heavier. Significant weight gain. Doesn’t like what she see’s in the mirror. Clothes don’t fit like they do on mannequins. The idea of wearing some on-trend skinny jeans fills her with dread.
Ages 16 -18 - Thus begins the narrative:
"Why don’t I look like the other girls. I don’t look like them when I wear similar clothes. I’ll just wear big t-shirts so nobody can see how chubby I am. I’ll wear jeans in the summer even though it’s boiling hot because my thighs are big. I can’t wear strappy tops because my arms wobble. I won’t wear anything close-fitting because EVERYONE will notice. I am going to university and I wonder if I’ll be the heaviest in my year?"
I had intended to put some hilarious throwback pics in this post. However the saddest thing is I really don’t have that many pictures of myself as a teenager and that’s because I hated having my picture taken, because I didn’t like the way I looked.
I know this isn’t uncommon. Some will say ‘it’s a part of growing up’ some will say it’s ‘just puberty’ or the awful phrase ‘puppy fat’.
No.
That was my body.
That was me being overweight and unhappy. It was years of not wanting to look in mirrors. Of sucking my tummy in. All. The. Time. (It’s exhausting). It’s years of looking in magazines (Yes, magazines, Instagram wasn’t around) and wondering whether I’d ever have a flat tummy like so many of the models. "Did these women really starve themselves?! I love food too much, I couldn't do that."
That was true, I have a great relationship with food, always have done, always will. I grew up on a healthy, balanced, diverse and downright delicious diet and that wasn't about to change.
A MOMENT OF THANKS
Here’s where I owe a huge gratitude to my rock. My mother.
Who has done nothing but positively reinforce the idea that I am much much more than my body and the way I look.
(Although at the time I never FULLY understood, it’s clearly something I had to process myself.)
I realise how fortunate I am to have my mum.
The times she has watched me agonize over clothes. Helping me go shopping when the thought of having to try things on filled me with dread. When she would sit patiently outside changing rooms (often making friends with the staff - she’s the most approachable person you could ever meet) whilst I grew increasingly frustrated that jeans didn’t fit me properly or I had to go up a size - AGAIN.
It was only through conversations with my mum about how I felt that she would tell me about her positive experiences with exercise. How she kept fit, (mostly this came down to having 5 children - superhuman am I right?!) an active job, fitness classes etc. Mum listened, supported and acknowledged my concerns over my weight. So I took the plunge and did something about it.
THE GAME CHANGER
Age 19 + Melissa Grace makes a change.
Melissa Grace joins a gym.
My first day at the gym - I was nervous. I didn’t know what to wear. I didn’t know how anything worked. I felt like everyone would know I was clueless.
It was a new environment and I was scared, like so many people I wondered if it was for me.
I persevered.
As the majority of beginners do - I kept to the cardio machines for a few weeks. Cross Trainer, Treadmill, Bike.
Started feeling much more confident, observed the weights area from afar and grew curious.
Started putting some research into it:
“What did I have to do to look toned?”
“How do I lose weight?”
“Will weight lifting make me look big?”
“When is it appropriate to tell a stranger they need to put deodorant on?” (Just kidding...or am I?!)
You get the gist.
I persevered.
That’s when I got myself a PT. The brilliant Nicola Matilda @nicola_matilda_pilates_pt.
I told her I wanted to learn how to lift weights. How to do it well and how to make progress.
That’s exactly what she did. She invested her time, patience and expertise in me. I was going to work hard for her just as she had for me.
This is why I owe a huge gratitude to Nicola, for being the person that took a complete beginner, and gave me the gift of training.
Nicola gave me the confidence to pursue my goals with purpose, because she had faith in me.
(This is why - apart from obvious reasons - I recommend getting personal training or a coach to a lot of people.)
THAT’S WHEN IT ALL FELL INTO PLACE:
The gym wasn’t just a place I would go to lose weight.
It would be the place I would get stronger.
I would start to see real progress.
I would go 4-5x a week and love every minute.
My day would revolve around what I was training later.
Leg day felt like Christmas.
It would be the place that I began to end the war on my body.
I would learn to appreciate what my body could do - not what it couldn't do.
I would learn that I could feel empowered.
I would learn that I could lose weight from lifting weights (however - suddenly losing weight wasn’t my all consuming focus).
I would learn the feeling of getting a PB on a Deadlift made me feel like an absolute warrior.
I would learn that from a sensible point of view - that weight training suited my body, it helps me stabilize my hyper mobile joints (I have a LOT of those).
I would also learn that gyms are one of the most encouraging, positive spaces to be in.
The sense of community, the familiarity of the regulars, meeting new people with similar goals, seeing other people improve. Other people seeing you improve. It's a beautiful thing!
FAST FORWARD TO NOW
I still have days where I am unhappy with the way I look.
I have days where I doubt myself.
I have days where I put so much pressure on myself because ‘PT’s should look a certain way’.
I have days where I worry that I’m complacent.
I have days where I feel like I should be stronger.
I have days where I don’t like the way my clothes fit.
Some weeks I’ll have put on a few Ibs, I’ll feel heavier, and it doesn’t feel nice.
Thankfully those days are few and far between.
They are bad days.
Not all consuming weeks of body -unhappiness.
The majority of my bad thoughts have been frequently replaced by:
I am strong.
I am confident.
I am successful.
I have deadlifted 110kg.
I have excellent technique.
I am not afraid to fail.
I am happy in my skin.
I know my limits and when to push myself.
My body is agile.
My worth is not dictated by scale weight.
I look in full length mirrors.
I like what I see when I look in the mirror.
I feel in control.
Do you know what the best thing is - all of these positive thoughts have no connection to my body weight.
I’m not saying that the gym is the only place you’ll find happiness with your body. For me it was and always will be. There are a multitude of ways you can approach making changes, but if you don’t go for it, you’ll never know.
Now the gym is where I work, it’s my livelihood and it’s my home. I am incredibly fortunate to have a job I love. Helping people to reach their goals, to live healthier happier lives is the most rewarding experience and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I am years into my fitness journey. I know that it takes guts to make the decision to do something about your body. To confront your own lifestyle and make changes. I know how agonizing it is to look into a mirror and dislike what you see.
I also know that everybody is different. Finding your own way will take time. You’ll have good days and bad days. You’ll have days where you feel great and days where you don’t.
All of this is normal.
We’re all humans with brilliant bodies and beautiful brains.
Thank you for reading
Melissa
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